4 am Epiphany

I guess I havent been too open on here about how tough the past few months have been for me. 

I have gone through some rough times and tired to stay positive and learn the most I can but I cant lie...

The past few months I've done much of nothing. Yeah I got the job I wanted, and from the outside it would seem as though I am doing BIG things with my life. To be completely honest I dont really know how i got to this point but Im sure thankful I pulled it together somehow. Because all these past few months have seemed to be for me have just been, staying home every day, sleeping, therapy, church, work, and a whole lot of negativity and grouchiness from my part. I go back and look at about 6 months ago and think about everything got so out of hand, how things basically crashed and burned right before my eyes and I did NOTHING about it but watch and dwell in self pity after. 

Its funny how we choose what determines our happiness and we use that one important choice on such foolish things sometimes. Some people spend that ONE important choice on , a boy/girl. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why is it that we let ONE person determine our past, present and future? Why is it that love from someone else becomes so important in our lives when what we should really focus on is love from ourselves. Why is it that we put our happiness on hold for someone to come along? What ever happen to OUR dreams, goals, hopes, wishes, life!!!!! Why dont we use that ONE choice on things that really matter? Because somewhere, somehow, in this community we live in, "happiness" comes from finding SOMEONE when really happiness should only be about finding OURSELVES! 

After months and months and MONTHS of having the hardest time of my life and going through the toughest things I have yet it finally came clear recently that MY happiness depends on ME! I choose to depend my happiness on the Lord. These past few days I've decided to focus on him 100% to give my relationship with him one last chance and lets just say....It's good to finally be back! (: Out of that dark place and back into things that REALLY matter!

How beautiful it is to go back to a spot after months and come back fully recovered from what seemed to be the worse illness ever. How great it is to look at Satan in the face once again and say 

"you almost got me this time, but sorry I have a stronger testimony than that!!" (: (: 

Disclaimer: This happiness doesnt last forever if I dont work on in daily, but as long as I do my part the happiness will remain and sure trials will come but life will always be good as long as I choose to be happy! (: 

If I were to look back at that girl today I would probably tell her that the end of the world wont happen because of a boy (: To cut the crying and get to reading! haha but then again, there goes that blunt side in me again (; 

Life is happening (: (: !!

I am seriously obsessed with my job. 

Waking up is sooo hard but being there, is so exciting!!
I love it I love it I love it! Its a learning experience every day and it just does not get old! 

A little update on my life as of now?

Just working (: and living life one day at a time. 

Saving up all the money I can because in 6 months I will be heading out to 

New York for a month! 

I will be there to be part of the Hill Cumorah Pageant!!! 

So for two and a half  weeks I'll be living near these places (: (: 

and then my roommate will join me and we will head here for a wonderful week !! (: 

There are still more plans ahead but thats a little update for now (; (; 

Life is happening friends!! 

I've always known...

This is no new story to me...I've always known I was born for something great! 

I was a hard headed little girl when the missionaries where teaching me but eventually I caught on (; 

Becoming a member of this church has been the most exciting thing in my life and I cant believe how blessed I am to be able to still be part of what I know to be true. 

A couple of days ago I was at work and some of my co-workers and I were discussing some future plans for next year and then I caught myself saying. Well, by then I will have my mission papers in! 

AHHHH!!! It's so close (: I cant turn my papers in until next September (2013) but I can now count down the months until that great day! 

A year and 9 months to be exact (: Time will fly and until then I will prepare myself to serve the Lord when my time comes.... (: 

Today my roommate and one of my best friends entered the MTC (: She will be home in no time and 3 months later it will be my turn to turn my papers in!! 

Hooooraaaaayy for sister missionaries!! (: 

And I know some people will read this and think "
ohh mariana, you still have a long time you'll be married blah blah blah"
 but this is something I've MADE my mind up about and if you know me at all, when I know something is meant for me I do it (: Experiences have taught me this is what I need to do and I cant wait for that beautiful day. Quote me if you may....(; 

Back to December!

Oh December...How I love you,

you always keep me going!

 

Started off with a Birthday (:

And thenn...

ROC's last fireside ): ): 

 

And THEN...

Sara's ballroom concerts!

*which for some reason the picture wont upload ):* 

And thennn....

MY last ROC show ): ): 

 

 

AND THENNNNNN!!!!

Heidi and Todd's wedding!! (:

 

 

 

 

AND THENNNNNN

Aubrey's Farewell!! (:

ANDDDDD Then?

I had to organize the Ward's Christmas Activity (:

 

AND FINALLYY(: (:

I got to fly home for Christmas!

to my sweet sweet south!!

 

 

And now??

I'm back):

At my last day of work at the sweet hotel because TOMORROW I start my great new little job at the Dental Clinic!

(:

And then?

New Years....

Sigh!

Life has been GOOD (:

Ever broken a bone??

Ever sliced your finger cut?

Broke a bone?
Had an arm chopped off?

I havent. Well, not had an arm chopped off at least.

But I have had a finger cut and broken a bone.
Each pain was different but pain non the less.

Where am I getting at with this statement?

Well, when I broke a bone I experienced PAIN!!

When I sliced my finger broken I experienced pain but it wasnt as bad as the bone so yeah it hurt but I didnt freak out as much.

Same happens with trials. Sometimes we go through something small, but as we grow up and we get stronger our trials get bigger! We experience different pain and at times it gets grater and greater.

So when we are faced with smaller things its not that we are "cold" people.
Simple enough we've already been through worse so something as small as "breaking a nail" isnt that big of a deal when you've had a broken bone before!

So thats the way I see it (:

It is what it is...

"Youre so blunt"

"gahh youre such a brat!"

"...I dont know what to say anymore. Youre so straight forward!"

Direct quotes from a conversation last night. This person kept saying things like these over and over again.

It's true. Its like I have no fitler in that mouth of mine. I just say things as they come in my head. Which can be tough on the person listening but, it is what it is.

Things like....

"i'd rather be blunt than stupid and let people think they have me fooled"

"I wish I could be more sensitive, or caring about this subject but i honestly dont care"

"it is what it is. Go ahead and leave and figure things out on your own because I'm not here to teach life lessons"
"I'm not a gray person. With me its either black or white, it either is or isnt!"

There came a time in my life when I was sensitive to other people's feelings at the expense of mine. I tried to sugar coat everything and make everything sound the best I could. However, i've learned that's very dumb. People are dumb and sometimes just just gotta say it how it is. Even if it hurts because then there's no chance of your words getting twisted.

So call me a brat, blunt, straight forward or whatever but at least I'll never leave you in doubt of what I'm really thinking! (;

sdafjlerjoaweirmawe...grr!

Dont ask me to understand stupidity.

I've never been one to put up with people's stupidity. I hate stupid people, I hate their stupid ways of dealing wtih things.

I cant stand people who dont know what they want out of their life and let that be okay.

I hate when people try to use others to cover up their insecuriyt and idiocity.

I really dislike people that do something sooo stupid and expect you to understand  just because they're "unsure"

and what about those people who are stupid and know nothing about themselves but expect to help you with YOUR problems...pfft!!

the list could go on forever!! 

I'm no know it all at all but I stick to what I know and keep learning. I dont try to drag people down with me when Im unsure of something, I dont get myself into situations that I know I cant handle, I dont use other people to learn lessons that are for me to find out on my own either. I handle my trials the best I can but always look out for others.

I can admit to be bratty and sometimes unsensitive to people's idiocity but I've seen it so much in my lifetime that I just have no patience for it. Is it really that hard to act your age???

AHHH! (: Ok I'm done!